Beer'd Party Tonight

Beer'd Party tonight. Click here for details.

Beard Idenity

So, I was reading wikipedia the other day while smearing peanut butter on my ass, and I came across the entry for "Beard." You can find many entertaining beard facts on the beard wiki page, including the term for the study of beards, "pogonology." The next passage I came across, however, led to a complete identity crisis.

In the course of history, men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition, such as in the case of a bum, hobo, hippie or vagrant.

I was pretty much feeling like the fucking man after the first half of that sentence. Even I wouldn't be able to find that many consecutive adjectives that would so aptly describe me in a row. It all hit the fan when "conversely" word popped up though. Filthiness? Crudness? (ok, that one is probably fair) Vagrant? HIPPIE??? I mean, if anything, I was more of a hippie far before I ever grew a beard.

So what does my beard say about ME? Who am I? What is the meaning of existence, or for that matter, my BEARDS existence. I always knew there would be a lot of soul searching during the beard-off, but I always thought it would be more directly with over the hurdles that are thrown at you during the beard growing process. The moments of self doubt, the battles with the beard itch, your secretary snickering at you as you come into work because her friend told her that you're a one pump chump even though it wasn't fair because there was like literally HOURS of very aggresive foreplay that went on before and you like hadn't gotten any for a few weeks and she was totally going superfast like some sort of giant squirrel creature. But I never understood that I would soon be looking into the very core of my being, essence, chi, ethos, once I had a full grown beard. How long should I grow the beard? Do I keep the beard?

Am I more Socrates or Marx?

Lincoln or Lenin?

Bunyan or Manson?

While going through this moment of self reflection and pondering, I couldn't help but think over and over of the old couple buying the portrait of Kramer in the one Seinfeld episode. The elderly couple were going back and forth, saying what it was they saw in the art:

"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."

Perhaps that is what is great about the beard. I am none of these things, and yet all of these things.

Or maybe I am what everyone keeps telling me I am...this guy:

Economic Tips

The economy is in a downward spiral. We know this. It blows. But if we're lucky, we'll all die (due to a series of brutal catastrophic events that will end the world) by 2012 before we consider eating our own families.

It seems to get worse everyday and this recession is hurting everyone. Here's an interesting Associated Press news piece about the economic stress index and where the recession is hitting hardest:


That aside here's a great economic tip from The Four Beardos Blog:

Grow a beard.

Beards are a great way to save money on hygienic items such as razors, shaving cream, and after-shave. As well, don't blow your money on a new wardrobe: you can wear the same thing everyday. You have a beard. People will understand. Do yourself a favor - stand by the train station with a cup. People will actually pay you money to see your beard.

It's a great way to stay fashionable in these ugly economic times.

Slight Figure of Speech

The Avett Brothers performing 'Slight Figure of Speech' Scott's got a nice beard in this one.

An Everyday (Beard) Hero

Thankfully during this beard-off competition there hasn't been any lack of inspiration: inspiration from everyday men growing beards for one reason or another. I might pass one on the street or see one at the grocery store (they're all over Whole Foods). But what's really rare to find is a beard hero. A man with a beard so extraordinary it eclipses the 4 beardos growth ten times over.

I'm talking about Anthony DeFrancesco or DeFran or Tony San Francisco or maybe even my mentor? I worked with DeFran earlier this week on a commercial. It had been some time since we last worked together and my oh my was I stunned to see what appeared on his face. DeFran always rocks the facial hair, but this time it was different. It was like looking at him for the first time through new eyes. As if I had just been cured of blindness, I noticed for the first time what really matters...not the eyes, but the beard. It was glorious; God-like.

DeFran had been growing his beard since the Phillies home-opener this year. If the Phillies had won the World Series, I would have petitioned that he get a championship ring for his efforts. At the very least maybe they'll sell a jersey with his name on the back. Unfortunately, he'll be shaving now that the season is over. But 2010 is a brand new season for both the Phillies and Anthony DeFrancesco.

It won't be all gone however. Sources tell me he'll be shaving into a mustache for a Mustache Party this Monday. DeFran was kind enough to lend a photo for the blog. This was his Halloween costume this year. Cheers to DeFran!

Famous Beard of the Day

Al Borland, lovable sidekick of Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. Most often seen cleaning up the shitstorms left behind by The Toolman. Al always secretly hated Tim and was constantly plotting ways to kill him. Unfortunately, every attempt ever made, often taking place during taping for "Tool Time," would only end in Tim with black soot on his face and frizzed out hair. Al had deep resentment for Tim, and looked at him as a lower form. Instead of actually engaging in critiques and corrections on Tim's bafoonery, he would normally look at Tim with disgust and resentment and simply state, "I don't think so Tim."




Some people say that Al had some shortcomings, such as his "momma's boy" demeanor as well as his apparent inability to get laid. THESE WERE ALL LIES PURPORTED BY TIM. Do you really think a man with this manly a beard AND who was featured on a hit home improvement show couldn't get laid??? The truth is, Al had actually been tapping Lisa for years without Tim knowing it. This would often occur ON THE SET after Tim and the rest of the crew would leave (rumors have circulated Al would wear nothing but a top hat and tool belt while Lisa pretended to be a woman who couldn't fix the garbage disposal, because Al was a fucking MACK like that). Tim later found out about the relationship, and in a fit of egotism and jealousy fired Lisa, leading to the arrival of Heidi. Al never forgave Tim for this and swore vengeance on him.

Finally, that day came. After years of taking the mental and physical abuse, the bearded Al Borland was finally able to expose Tim the Toolman for what he truly was...a full blown pedophile. Al alerted the authorities and provided the visual evidence needed (pictured left). Tim was promptly convicted when the jury was convinced that anyone with a pedo-stache like this (seen below) HAD to be a guilty.

Al, to this day, is sitting pretty collecting checks for Tool Time syndication. Tim "The Toolman" was convited to 30 years in Lewisburg State Penitentery and is now the favorite tool of Big Bubba Johnson. The beard is a bit smaller, and a bit grayer for Al these days but still just as great. Beard for the win!

Beard Song

Here's a cute girl singin' a song about beards. Thought it was worthy to be posted on the beard blog. While on the surface it may not seem manly, having a sensitive ukulele side (and admitting it) is more manly than having a beard. Enjoy.

He wins.

Beard Progress

YES! We are still growing our beards! And I think its safe to say that we are way past the itchy stage at this point. Below are our beard progressions and thanks to an insightful Brian "Ugly" Gulianianianianiani, I have included each of our previous weeks. This way it is easier for you, the wonderuful, loyal readers, to see how much we have progressed.

And here...we...go...

Captain Red Beer'd

Danny

Hairy Sanchez

Bearded Walrus

I feel like the Bearded Walrus she-man is way out of all of our league. "It" is really bearding well right now and personally think "it" might be in the lead for best beard. The Beard-off, however, continues and it's not over til it's over.

Our 4th member is still working on his beard, we unfortunatley did not get his picture this week. But check back for his postings on bearded serial killers.

BEARD!

~Hairy Sanchez

I spotted this vehicle earlier today in a parking lot in Reading, PA. I thought, without a doubt, this belongs to a dude with a kick-ass beard. Sure enough - saw the owner walking into a Chinese restaurant just meters away. I was too chicken to ask for his picture. So I got his conversion van instead.

Bob Dylan with a Beard

I like this picture of Bob Dylan with a beard.

Famous Beards in Serial Killing

Famous Beards in Serial Killing

Does the unabomber count? Cause he's got a great beard.

He's not a serial killer by trade, but I think he could figure it out pretty quickly. And I hate to be so complimentary of his beard, but this is a forum free of discrimination. If you got a good beard, you're alright with me. I'm not down with Kaczynski's behavior, but I give credit where it's due. Nice beard, Teddy. That's enough serial killer empathy for one night.

famous beards in seriel killing

Shoulda Had A Beard Series

Shoulda Had A Beard

Entry 1

Ted Danson has had a successful career: innumerable television series, a plethora of feature films, and most recently appearances all over HBO. He is a handsome dude, no doubt about that. But I can't help but think, "What if..." What if Ted Danson had a beard?

Would Cheers be entering it's 27th season? Would we have seen another addition to the 3 Men And A Baby franchise*-- 3 Men, A Young Woman, and Some Very Concerned Neighbors? Would we have seen another Macaulay Culkin collaboration? Because for me Getting Even With Dad wasn't enough.

This is all speculation. There's no way to tell if Mr Danson's career has been in any way affected by a lack of facial hair. But I can assure you Tom Selleck's mustache wasn't a mistake.

*The 3 Men And A Baby franchise also includes 3 Men and a Little Lady. And recently rumors have circulated that another sequel is in talks for 3 Men and A Bride.

Famous Beard of the Day

October 23, 2009

Today's Famous Beard of the Day is American record producer Rick Rubin. His beard is so incredible he's often confused with the creator of the heavens and earth.

A few facts about Ricky:

He was born Frederick Jay Rubin.

He's currently co-head of Columbia Records.

He's co-founder of Def Jam Records.

His credits include (take a deep breath)

Beastie Boys

Run D.M.C.

Johnny Cash

ZZ Top

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Jay-Z

Metallica

Slayer

Weezer

The Avett Brothers

And more!

It's not known how long he has grown his beard for (or at least it's not on Wikipedia). But if I had to guess, he's been growing it since he was born on March 10, 1963. We call that "dedication." It takes a certain kind of man to do that. Rick Rubin is that man. If I ever saw him I'd probably want to curl up in his beard and watch Saved By the Bell re-runs on my family room floor.

Think I'll throw on Paul's Boutique and boogie down to some Rubin-produced gems.

How Not To Grow a Beard

So, there's no need to go into the awesomeness of playoff hockey beards or to defend the manliness of the average hockey player. But there is a need to address this. Pictured above is Penguins forward Sidney Crosby. Sidney has been forced upon the public by the NHL to be the "face" of the NHL and was immediately dubbed to be the "Next One" by them and every sponsor of the sport. I believe all interested parties are starting to have second thoughts about that, however, once they say what that "face" looks like once playoff season begins. When your beard more closely resembles a gorilla mask, you may want to consider other options. You are hardly striking fear into your opponents hearts when you look like Bam Margera used you as a practice run for the final skit of Jackass II.

Hey if you can't grow a beard, you're in luck.

Erin lives in Portland, OR and makes beards. They're available for purchase on her Etsy account here. She does some drawings and paintings as well. And I'm sure she has other interests too. I'm hoping to see some folks at the beard party with these on. They're way cool.

Hey I saw this on Paste Magazine's blog

It's a cover of 'Just Like Heaven' by a dude who plays mandolin and has a beard.

Check out the original post here:

http://www.pastemagazine.com/high_gravity/2009/10/mandolin-cover-of-just-like-heaven-awesome-of-the.html

Confessions of a Beardo

The Four Beardos blog was created not only as a way to keep the public informed on our progress during our growth period, but also as a safe zone to communicate our impressions and issues along the way. It acts almost as a method of providing a little sanity in these months of bearding. I applaud my comrade, Doug Murphy, who is solo-bearding all on his lonesome in D.C. At least here, I have Tim and P.J. for some support. Doug suffers alone, like a true mountain man. I'd be happy to see that Doug wins the beard-off, but in the spirit of competition: that asshole is going down. So with all that in mind, I need to be as honest as possible; an honest Abe if you will (he had a beard) and share some thoughts.

We have recently added our week 2 updates to the blog and I am certainly disappointed in my performance. I still just look like an unemployed jerk. In fact yesterday, two separate people on two separate occasions said I look homeless. Believe me I was thrilled! But that's not the kind of beard I'm going for. But that's the other part of the problem. What beard do I want?! How do I know what's right for me?

I'm currently digging on the Robert Redford beard circa 1970 from the film Jeremiah Johnson.

Sharp, right? Yea, but who knows what I'll want tomorrow. The commitment is too much. I see a ZZ Top-looking dude on a motorcycle and I want to look like that! Obviously, 3 months wouldn't be enough time (to reach that length or go gray) and how do I know I'll be able to part ways once I reach the 3 months? I might have this beard forever. It's apart of me now. I groom it. Proudly.

I'm not there yet though. This is just premature anxiety. I still walk down the street passing bearded men looking for the head nod of solidarity only to be disheartened. The time will arrive. I just have so many questions for them in the meantime. I'm ready to relate on a level I've never been able to with another human. For example, having an honest-to-god real milk mustache. That's serious fellowship of man kinda stuff.

Week 2 Beard Progress

Well, it seems that my colleagues and I have been in hiding for the past week. I know what you were thinking...Did they quit the Beard-Off!? Were the Four Beardos not strong enough to continue?!

Don't worry because I am happy to announce that we are still bearding at this very minute. We continue to suffer through the itchiness that is the beginning stages of beard-offing. But we do it all for the glory of a Beer'd Party! Below are our Week 2 Progressions. More posts will definately be going up this week. We will not leave you hanging another week.

We hope you enjoy our Bearded mugs.

~Hairy Sanchez

Week 1 Beard Progress

Dont have the time to write much except that we look sexy!

~ Hairy Sanchez

Famous Beard of the Day

Today's 'Famous Beard of the Day' is brought to you by Just For Men Facial Hair Dye

http://www.justformen.com/products/facialcolor/facialcolor5.shtml

Poseidon:

This dude is god of the sea. He's for serious. A more appropriate name for Poseidon might be 'God of the Beard.' Don't tell me this guy isn't slaying the women. (Actually, if you're god of anything, you're automatically a ladykiller.)

Some of his credits include: Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami of 2004 that rocked the Indian Ocean, and melting the polar ice caps (often times confused with Global Warming, but actually that's just a myth. It's really this Greek god who's responsible)

If that's not enough for you, he's also Greek. And everyone knows the Greeks know how to party, gel a perfect faux hawk, and protect their vision from harmful nighttime UV Rays.

ΔΙΚ 4 Eva

In this photo: Tim (Left), Doug (Center), & PJ (Right)

Poseidon's brothers were Hades and Zeus. These guys also have sick beards. Hades is the god of the underworld and Zeus was the king of the gods/god of thunder and sky. These 3 kinda sound like jerks. I'm getting an 'O'Doyle Rules' vibe from these guys. They probably dominated handball games in gym class.

Poseidon also is the name of two major motion pictures. The first in 1972, The Poseidon Adventure and unfortunately again in 2006 by the name Poseidon. Rotten Tomatoes gave this masterpiece a 33% Sorry, dude I thought you were better in The Little Mermaid (based on a true story)

Poseidon plays King Triton in Walt Disney's The Little Mermaid

Beard Growing Hazards; The Itch

Itchy itchy. Scratchy scratchy. Beard itch leaves me feeling like a crackhead in search of his next hit. I bet if I smoke some crack it will make the itch go away. Anyone got $5?

Famous Beard of the Day

Joaquin Phoenix: Earlier this year, we had the rare treat of seeing a completely drugged out Joaquin Phoenix wander out onto the set of David Letterman. Its not clear if Joaquin was unaware that he was going to be on the show, or if he was even aware of where he was at the time, but Dave being the crafty interview veteran he is dives right into what's on everybody's mind and compliments his beard.

There really is some outstanding craftsmanship on this beard. Notice the three shades of color with some brown and red hair mixing together with some gray highlights coming out towards the end. Magnifico! Check out the link below for the full interview, which may be one of the more drugged out interviews of our generation.

The BEGINNING!

Well, we are ready to show you all what we have been discussing in these ridiculous posts. The following picture was taken on the fateful night when our dreams would start turning into reality. This is what we are considering the BEGINNING of our Beard Off.

Should be an interesting competition. Stay tuned as we will be posting our Week 1 Beard updates sometime soon (meaning this weekend!). Watch as our faces turn into magical hair forests with fairytale creatures living inside of them!

Yours Truly,

Hairy Sanchez

DC Beards Update

Since being in the competition, I've given some thought to what kind of beard I'd like to grow.

In my research, I've discovered some great looking beards. Here's a few highlights:

1. The Orthodox Jewish Man Beard

-This beard is so awesome, it should have it's own kippah.

2. The Terrorist Beard

-This may be a HUGE generalization, but ALL terrorists have great beards.

3. The Bearded Woman

-This one is like a unicorn; so mystical that one can only hope it's real.

4. The Fisherman's Beard

-A classic that smells like fish.

5. The Jesus Beard

-The only thing better would be black baby Jesus beard. Lord have mercy.

Manly Men Who Have Beards part 1

Chinese riddle: Do lumberjacks have beards because they are manly, or are the beards what make them manly?

Answer: Lumberjacks are manly because they spend over 40 hours a week destroying shit. You ask them to cut down a tree, they don't ask why, or what the possible ecological consequences deforestation might have on the environment. They ask how big is the fucking tree? I once saw a lumberjack cutting down a huge tree while punching a grizzly bear in the face and having sex with a diner waitress all at the same time.

The lumberjack is commonly known to have the scruffy style beard that comes with close to zero trimming, shaping, or shaving. In fact, most lumberjacks go years without actually looking at themselves in a mirror. Thats because lumberjacks get up at the crack of down, gnaw on some bark (to clean their teeth), throw on a flannel jacket, and then fire up a huge fucking chain saw to cut mother nature in half. Any beard trimming down by a lumberjack can only done with a saw, axe or chain saw, so they trims are few and far between.

Famous Beard of the Day

List of accomplishments by Abe Lincoln

1. 16th President of the United States
2. Abolished slavery in America
   
3. Preserved the union after southern sucession and the Civil War
4. Was the first President of the United States of America with a full beard.

And for that, we salute you Mr. President. A true American pioneer in bearding. God bless you and God Bless America.

First Post

Tim and I went to see our mom this past Sunday afternoon for some snacks and football.

(to give you a time frame: this is 2 days after entering the Beard-Off Competition)

She's sitting on the couch beside me. I can feel her looking at me. It becomes more and more frequent until finally I turn to her.

"What?!"

She says, "I don't know why you have to make yourself look more ugly?"

Which brings us to the question - Why grow a beard?

1. you're a man (or at least not a child or woman)

2. you teach philosophy at a prestigious university

3. you're in a beard-off

All 3 for me.

It's a long road ahead, but I'm certain it will be a fulfilling experience. I've already begun to grow hair on my face. I'd say for me, the best way to describe the competition so far is like training for the Olympics with Dean Cain. He's so distractingly handsome.

Check in for more updates.

DC

I leave you with some dudes with (totally) excellent beards:

Hello and Welcome

Friends and Fans,

I would like to first thank you all for your support because if it weren't for you I would never have the balls to do this. And by fans, I mean the 4 Beardos and Corinne. I guess Danielle too, but let's be honest she is going to hate every minute of this. Secondly, I would like to introduce the persona that I am "growing" into, Hairy Sanchez. Slowly, I will begin to look like I am from Hispanic decent. The ladies will start going crazy over the sweet crustache taking over my upper lip. This is the same crustache that I was able to grow in the 6th grade and let me tell you how I was king of the school because of that. This, I guarentee, will prove true again.

I hope you enjoy what we have to offer. You shall not be disappointed.

Pictures to follow soon

Yours truly,

Hairy Sanchez

WE'RE GOING BEARDING!!!

Welcome to the 4beardos (tm) blog, home to your news, updates, and progress on the Four Beardos Beard-off Competition.

Background: It was a night not unlike any other in Philadelphia. While sitting in a circle on Corinne's patio (secretary/treasurer) Doug, Dan, PJ, Tim and Danielle were preparing for the night to be. Everyone was in usual form; Doug was telling dick and poop jokes, Tim was complaining that everyone wasn't drinking fast enough (while secretly questioning his own drinking problems), PJ was telling us to call more girls and Dan was desperately searching for a cold Yoo-Hoo.

Nobody knows exactly how it started, I like to think it was divine inspiration, but the topic of a beard competition started getting tossed around. A Beard-Off was born. The conversation continued to evolve, and next thing we knew we had it all laid out. We'd have a beard-off that will culminate in a beard-off party/contest. At a date to be determined, there will be a beard boasting contest in which every attendee of the party will cast their vote on best beard.

The losers? The losers will be thoroughly disgraced and be forced to parade around Main Street Manyunk wearing too-toos. Fairly high stakes for such a nonsensical contest.

The purpose of the blog will be to allow the four members of the contest, Doug, PJ, Dan and Tim to update you all on progress of the beard contest, keep you updated on when and where the party will take place, and to allow user feedback on suggestions, tips, beard commentary, and complaints on the Beard-Off.