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Beard Idenity

So, I was reading wikipedia the other day while smearing peanut butter on my ass, and I came across the entry for "Beard." You can find many entertaining beard facts on the beard wiki page, including the term for the study of beards, "pogonology." The next passage I came across, however, led to a complete identity crisis.

In the course of history, men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition, such as in the case of a bum, hobo, hippie or vagrant.

I was pretty much feeling like the fucking man after the first half of that sentence. Even I wouldn't be able to find that many consecutive adjectives that would so aptly describe me in a row. It all hit the fan when "conversely" word popped up though. Filthiness? Crudness? (ok, that one is probably fair) Vagrant? HIPPIE??? I mean, if anything, I was more of a hippie far before I ever grew a beard.

So what does my beard say about ME? Who am I? What is the meaning of existence, or for that matter, my BEARDS existence. I always knew there would be a lot of soul searching during the beard-off, but I always thought it would be more directly with over the hurdles that are thrown at you during the beard growing process. The moments of self doubt, the battles with the beard itch, your secretary snickering at you as you come into work because her friend told her that you're a one pump chump even though it wasn't fair because there was like literally HOURS of very aggresive foreplay that went on before and you like hadn't gotten any for a few weeks and she was totally going superfast like some sort of giant squirrel creature. But I never understood that I would soon be looking into the very core of my being, essence, chi, ethos, once I had a full grown beard. How long should I grow the beard? Do I keep the beard?

Am I more Socrates or Marx?

Lincoln or Lenin?

Bunyan or Manson?

While going through this moment of self reflection and pondering, I couldn't help but think over and over of the old couple buying the portrait of Kramer in the one Seinfeld episode. The elderly couple were going back and forth, saying what it was they saw in the art:

"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."

Perhaps that is what is great about the beard. I am none of these things, and yet all of these things.

Or maybe I am what everyone keeps telling me I am...this guy:

Economic Tips

The economy is in a downward spiral. We know this. It blows. But if we're lucky, we'll all die (due to a series of brutal catastrophic events that will end the world) by 2012 before we consider eating our own families.

It seems to get worse everyday and this recession is hurting everyone. Here's an interesting Associated Press news piece about the economic stress index and where the recession is hitting hardest:


That aside here's a great economic tip from The Four Beardos Blog:

Grow a beard.

Beards are a great way to save money on hygienic items such as razors, shaving cream, and after-shave. As well, don't blow your money on a new wardrobe: you can wear the same thing everyday. You have a beard. People will understand. Do yourself a favor - stand by the train station with a cup. People will actually pay you money to see your beard.

It's a great way to stay fashionable in these ugly economic times.

Slight Figure of Speech

The Avett Brothers performing 'Slight Figure of Speech' Scott's got a nice beard in this one.

An Everyday (Beard) Hero

Thankfully during this beard-off competition there hasn't been any lack of inspiration: inspiration from everyday men growing beards for one reason or another. I might pass one on the street or see one at the grocery store (they're all over Whole Foods). But what's really rare to find is a beard hero. A man with a beard so extraordinary it eclipses the 4 beardos growth ten times over.

I'm talking about Anthony DeFrancesco or DeFran or Tony San Francisco or maybe even my mentor? I worked with DeFran earlier this week on a commercial. It had been some time since we last worked together and my oh my was I stunned to see what appeared on his face. DeFran always rocks the facial hair, but this time it was different. It was like looking at him for the first time through new eyes. As if I had just been cured of blindness, I noticed for the first time what really matters...not the eyes, but the beard. It was glorious; God-like.

DeFran had been growing his beard since the Phillies home-opener this year. If the Phillies had won the World Series, I would have petitioned that he get a championship ring for his efforts. At the very least maybe they'll sell a jersey with his name on the back. Unfortunately, he'll be shaving now that the season is over. But 2010 is a brand new season for both the Phillies and Anthony DeFrancesco.

It won't be all gone however. Sources tell me he'll be shaving into a mustache for a Mustache Party this Monday. DeFran was kind enough to lend a photo for the blog. This was his Halloween costume this year. Cheers to DeFran!

Famous Beard of the Day

Al Borland, lovable sidekick of Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. Most often seen cleaning up the shitstorms left behind by The Toolman. Al always secretly hated Tim and was constantly plotting ways to kill him. Unfortunately, every attempt ever made, often taking place during taping for "Tool Time," would only end in Tim with black soot on his face and frizzed out hair. Al had deep resentment for Tim, and looked at him as a lower form. Instead of actually engaging in critiques and corrections on Tim's bafoonery, he would normally look at Tim with disgust and resentment and simply state, "I don't think so Tim."




Some people say that Al had some shortcomings, such as his "momma's boy" demeanor as well as his apparent inability to get laid. THESE WERE ALL LIES PURPORTED BY TIM. Do you really think a man with this manly a beard AND who was featured on a hit home improvement show couldn't get laid??? The truth is, Al had actually been tapping Lisa for years without Tim knowing it. This would often occur ON THE SET after Tim and the rest of the crew would leave (rumors have circulated Al would wear nothing but a top hat and tool belt while Lisa pretended to be a woman who couldn't fix the garbage disposal, because Al was a fucking MACK like that). Tim later found out about the relationship, and in a fit of egotism and jealousy fired Lisa, leading to the arrival of Heidi. Al never forgave Tim for this and swore vengeance on him.

Finally, that day came. After years of taking the mental and physical abuse, the bearded Al Borland was finally able to expose Tim the Toolman for what he truly was...a full blown pedophile. Al alerted the authorities and provided the visual evidence needed (pictured left). Tim was promptly convicted when the jury was convinced that anyone with a pedo-stache like this (seen below) HAD to be a guilty.

Al, to this day, is sitting pretty collecting checks for Tool Time syndication. Tim "The Toolman" was convited to 30 years in Lewisburg State Penitentery and is now the favorite tool of Big Bubba Johnson. The beard is a bit smaller, and a bit grayer for Al these days but still just as great. Beard for the win!

Beard Song

Here's a cute girl singin' a song about beards. Thought it was worthy to be posted on the beard blog. While on the surface it may not seem manly, having a sensitive ukulele side (and admitting it) is more manly than having a beard. Enjoy.